So it appears as though my 72 yr old father has primary peritoneal cancer, possibly peritoneal mesothelioma (although I'm not clear on that yet, as I was unable to attend his biopsy follow-up). Yesterday he was told to expect a call from the cancer centre within 2 weeks. Well, he received the call today. His first appointment with cancer care is tomorrow afternoon. I'll be going with him and my mom, taking careful notes and asking questions. On one hand, I'm so relieved that he didn't have to wait. I was not looking forward to 2 weeks of limbo, and constant worry about the cancer spreading, whether we were losing time. On the other hand, I'm so frightened and panicked. I thought we might have had at least a few more days of relative normality before hopping on the treatment merry-go-round. It sounds stupid but this first appointment represents the beginning of \*something\* to me, I can't quite figure it out...the beginning of watching my tall, strong, handsome, healthy, youthful father suffer and decline? Of having to watch my mom slowly fall apart as she loses her husband of 50 years? Seeing his grandchildren worried and scared, even more than they are now? The beginning of losing my father? It sounds so stupid and selfish, but my dad has always been rock solid and healthy, the steady pillar of our family. I always assumed he would live to a ripe old age, then pass quickly. I've been spoiled. That's how elderly relatives have passed in my family. There have been minor cancers. But nothing like this. This is new to us. As I said, spoiled. And I feel so guilty because I know so many good people are suffering, young people robbed of their futures, losing their spouses, their children, their babies to cancer. Catastrophic losses. Unimaginable. It's normal for an elderly parent to die. But I'm devastated. Here I am, an adult woman, crying my eyes out, so angry because it's so unfair. If it's confirmed as mesothelioma I'm going to lose my mind. You know people who are rich from the asbestos industry? Or people who work as lobbyists for the asbestos industry? If I saw one right now I would gladly strangle them with my bare hands. Also the Canadian politicians who are in bed with them. I'm so angry. Now I have to get my shit together for this appointment tomorrow. I need to be a calm, effective advocate and support. Sorry if I sound crazy, I promise I'm not. I guess I just needed to vent.