Mesothelioma Information   SUBMIT

1) Get out of bed with a slight twinge of dread. Not looking forward to going to work. 2) Space out at work for most of the day. I'm in a job which is nearly autonomous and it's largely up to me to make work for myself. I've pulled it off for five years but now I'm just so burnt and figure what's the point. My self-discipline is shot. Alternate between apathy, boredom and horror if I'll be able to keep going with this job. Then I'll go on reddit and watch youtube videos and wish I could die painlessly. 3) Go home. Don't get a dopamine squirt anymore after the day is done because when I go home... 4) ...I come home to nothing. No roommates, no pet, no gf/wife, no parents, no friends. Just me. 5) I might fall asleep in my chair or I might pop open a San Pelligrino (I'm hardcore) and call up the Samaritans just to have someone to talk to. 6) Watch TV. I don't have cable and most of the TV I watch is classic channels like MeTV and Cozi which run godawful commercials aimed at old people (Cologuard, mail-order catheters, knee braces, incontinence supplies). And Mesothelioma lawsuits. So much mesothelioma. It's a downer. 7) Have dinner -- usually frozen because I'm too lazy to cook. 8) Might break up the routine by beating off to a meh orgasm. 9) Now it's approximately 10PM, my "favorite" time of the day because I'm a night owl. Go on reddit and waste an hour or two. Or light a candle and sit in the dark listening to BBC Radio. 10) Go to bed, wondering where the hell my life went. Now this might seem like a whinefest, but I've seriously maximized everything I can in my situation. I get regular hard exercise at the gym, see a therapist, go to meetups in my city as often as I can (even thinking of starting one myself), have built up years of goodwill at work from all my accomplishments, and have taught myself to cook authentic Chinese over the last couple of years. I've lost 40 pounds because of the cooking I learned (although I've gained most of it back because of my "daily routine"). And I have a job that supports me and I've been job hunting (was a finalist for a nice job but they chose someone else). Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing everything right, but I still feel like shit. I'm depressed but not DEPRESSED. Just lonely as hell and have nothing going on in my life; the inertia/anhedonia is at Olympic levels. Been worsening steadily for years, despite all my efforts. I'm out of ideas, and I don't care anymore. Every day is the same. Rinse repeat. Anyone else feeling a similar vibe in their life?